Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in AJ's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, June 21st, 2009
5:59 pm	Cows, They'd eat you if they could... I saw a funny story on the news. Well not ha ha funny, but definitely a "isn't that curious" kind of funny. Out of the UK of all places. A lady walking two dogs (the story goes on to describe the two dogs as a brown and white spaniel and a collie type dog... no names though, this being England i imagine it was probably something like Reginald and Hubert) in a field inadvertently caused a 'herd' of cows to stampede, trampling their dog walker fatally. No word on if the dogs survived. http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090621/tuk-dog-walker-killed-as-cows-stampede-6323e80.html I wonder when the last person to die in a stampede was? 1872? Potential Darwin Award Winner runner up anyone? I mean, who takes their dogs into a field with cows. I imagine it was surrounded by a rather large fence with barbed wire and stuff. So she's gotten into the field fair enough, maybe she didn't know that there were cows about, thats fine. Of course, Cows are rather large and hard to miss, why didn't she hightail it once she realized, "Oh shit! I'm in a cow field...", actual again, with this being Britain and depending on how polite she was, it was probably "Oh dear me..." or possibly "Bugger!". I see a large cow, my instinct is to exit the field, i don't know about you, number one on the list is to NOT GO NEAR THE COWS. I mean, if there's a herd of cows around, there's bound to be bulls I would imagine, although not being a farmer, I'm not sure what the disposition of your average herd is... do they keep the bulls separate? Either way, i don't trust a cows to behave. The whole big dumb vegetarian look isn't fooling me, its a sham to lull us into a false sense of security until they strike to avenge the millions of cow deaths since mankind first discovered the love of steak. Oh yeah, on the subject of England, English Muffins are awesome. That is all... (Comment on this)
8:47 am	Hurray for summer!!!! Well, its been a long 8 or 9 months since summer left us and now its back, hurray! errmm.. oh wait... what a surprise, in typical Vancouver fashion, its the first day of summer and its raining. Not a terribly auspicious start but hey, maybe mother nature is just being a teasing bitch. *Shakes fist in general direction of mother nature* So yeah, Happy First day oF Summer everyone!!! Or Summer Solstice if you're one of those pagans..... longest day of the year and all that... I wonder what the significance of that is, something to look up on Wikipedia. I bet you its just some silly pagan thing from a thousands years ago because the day is extra long. I guess they didn't have much reason to celebrate back then, what with the pestilence, plague... no running hot water and central heating, oh and the short life spans........ Hmmmm... I should of tried to get the 21st off again. I tried that a few years ago at another job and when i gave the request to HR, the person gave me this look, you know, similar to one you would see one the face of someone in a Level 4 Hot Lab when they notice a tear in their anti-germ suit AFTER they've opened up that vial full of airborne transmittable Ebola. That look amuses me... Eyes all wide and darting back and forth as if looking for an escape route, skin turning a waxen shade, and a general air of a small mammal of the rodent variety, (possibly a chipmunk) about to do a runner when they notice that shadow of a hawk approaching from 1000 feet. Apparently they misinterpreted druidic for some kind of medical condition, at least that's my theory. The interpretation probably involved leakage of icky bodily fluids or extreme contagion. Anyways i didn't get the time off. (jerks) I could of claimed religious discrimination but for the fact that I'm not of the Druidic persuasion. I wonder how many other holidays or religiously significance they have. I wonder if you need a card or something that you can show your supervisor so they'll give you certain days off... *Note to self, look into this* (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 7th, 2009
9:26 am	This is going to amuse me for weeks.... Just a few things, anyone remember that movie Dragonheart? I think it was Dennis Quaid in it, looking pretty old actually, probably just the beard, and also Sean Connery as the dragon (just his voice). Anyways, happened to catch a version while channel surfing awhile back. It was in french, A french voice over trying to maintain that connery accent... disturbing... I bought a big 9 kilogram bag of rice. It is awesome and lives in my pantry getting gradually smaller. Its still quite heavy though. 9 kilograms has a bit of heft to it. Everytime i see it I keep wondering if it'd go through a car windshield from 4 floors up. Especially cars with loud music late at night. I better get eating it so it doesn't tempt me. Speaking of cars, on the way home this morning after my lovely night shift, I walked by a Civic Coupe. The front end had fallen off. This amused me to no end, i actually walked another block and half shaking my head and laughing to myself before i figured what the hell and walked back and took pictures for posterity. I'm going to be amused for weeks. So without further ado, "Car Owner who's going to have a really bad morning, though they don't know it yet." vehicle. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
3:14 pm	You gotta break a few eggs.... Ah what a nice day, who'd of thought it would turn out the way it did. I woke up, had a shower, brushed my teeth and was all ready for a great productive afternoon before I attempted a pre-work nap tonight. I went and got my stuff done, and then went to Safeway to get groceries. There in a dairy aisle, my day went pear-shaped and, i'm pretty sure, life as i know it will never be the same again. A kid was walking by as i happened to knock two cartons of eggs off the rack as i was trying to rearrange the contents of my basket. Its neat how time seems to slow down during situations like that, i guess its so one can replay the incident in their head over and over again in all its details, you know, relive the shame and embarrassment and maybe not make the same mistake again. So, I noticed them starting to fall and realized i could make a grab for them but then i'd probably drop my basket, (already pretty heavy) and in all likelihood, it would crush one or both of my feet. Out of the corner of my eye, i see the boy looking and watching the eggs start to fall too. There was a bit of eye contact as we both realized, "yup, they're going to hit..." and in my mind at least, "I wonder if those cartons provide any protection from impacts with the floor and can I somehow pin the blame on this kid?" In case you're wondering, egg cartons do not, I say again, DO not protect eggs from falls. Two dozen eggs all over the floor. Our eyes locked again, him looking visibly relieved that it wasn't his fault, and me looking around wondering if anyone else saw. Then there was a yell. "JORDAN" and we both cringed as if some race memory buried deep down in our brain activated; (the kind that recognizes the roar of a saber tooth tiger just before it takes your head off or the trumpet of a pissed off mammoth.) The brains way of recognizing, oh man, someones about to end up as kitty poop, or in this case, in a lot of trouble. It is amazing what people can put into a tone, especially when yelled. I wonder if there's ever been studies done on the harmonics involved in the pissed off voice of a mother (they must have extra vocal chords). Who knows, studies could lead to Sonic Weapons? Imagine dropping a bomb that makes a noise similar to that of a disappointed mother only concentrated at such a level as to be debilitating, or even more debilitating. Wars would be over before they started. Anyways, the tone i heard was well recognized. There was disappointment and disbelief (the "How could you do this to me in public and also a promise of further retribution, usually at the hands of dad.) It was that mom tone generally reserved for offenses committed in public so it takes in bystanders as well. (I think that's why it carries so well, and generally causes the perpetrator to stop what they're doing.) It shows the rest of the crowd that the parents is acknowledging the careless/malicious actions of their offspring and will address them shortly. "Yes, I am a parent and my child has erred. Now I shall punish him like a good parent so you can all stop staring right now or you'll be next." Anyways, I realized, hey wait a second, i'm almost 34 years old and that's not even my mom so she can't yell at me for the broken eggs and if she does, Jordans going to get a lesson in profanity from an expert. Anyways, she lights into him and he's shocked because hey, it wasn't him. Mom says something like "THIS IS JUST LIKE THOSE DISHES AT IKEA!?" and then young Jordan withered, the poor kid probably was grounded without Xbox priveleges for two weeks. Anyways, the kid tries to deny it and I'm about to say that I was the responsible party, he's giving me these panicked imploring looks and i'm sympathizing with him, my look back hopefully said, "Hey kid, i'm trying to get a word in, but your mom seems to be on quite the rant its like waking a sleep walker, you aren't supposed to do that." Jordan does get a word in finally but she's having none of it, he looks at me again, and as i'm about to say it was me, shes automatically blasts him again saying, don't try blame other people for your own actions at which point i'm afraid i'm going to get a yelled if i actually do get a chance own up to it. I said fuck this, and I picked up my basket gave him the "sorry kid, you're on your own with this one look" and walked away. As i looked back shaking my head as the crescendo rose again I saw him looking at me. Wow, if looks could kill. I've never had an arch nemesis before, sure at this point, he's 10, but he won't always be 10. I must be wary. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 18th, 2009
3:51 am	WTFIWWTJ? Ah emails, don't you just love getting them? I mean, you know, the ones that aren't saying send this on and you'll get good luck, and you get more good luck the more people you send them too? I don't know about you but the more people i send these emails too, the higher the likelihood of me getting my ass kicked is. Moving along.... I got one today that brought out a cry, often heard around these here parts (these here parts being the apartment, usually caused by interesting japanese cultural facts that Keith has decided to enlighten my gaijin'ness with, generally their things i'd probably be better off not knowing.) Anyways, the lamentation heard was What the fuck is wrong with the Japanese (WTFIWWTJ here on in). And yes, what is wrong with them, you know, aside from that whole South East Asian Coprosperity Sphere initiative of there i mean) The email in question that i got was about national penis day. Apparently its a holiday or at least a celebration of sorts in Japan. In the email, there were pictures of processions, complete banners with pictures of penis's and also wooden carvings. Why god why? (He probably saw the email and was like yeah, i'm going to the cottage for the long weekend, have fun!) Now, the first thing to go through my head, well okay, lets be honest, the second thing; the first thing i wanted to go through my head was the pavement 4 floors down outside my window after i hurled myself out it. THE second thing was, is this some kind of a joke? I mean, the internet is rife with silliness. From some long lost family member has just died in a car crash in Western Africa and you're the lone surviving heir to a uranium mine(Incidentally the Garnett family seems to of been having a bad run of luck over there) to the whole get good luck/you've won the national lotto of Belorussia to uh... increase your penis size. I mean, National Penis day? It has to be some kind of joke, doesn't it? Although i know a few people who i'm pretty sure its penis day every day... Neville... Kemp... Jason... Eric A quick search on Google showed that either there is such a thing, or the conspiracy has co-opted the world wide web. http://www.sardouzami.com/goonagoon/rooze%20kir/national%20penis%20dag.htm After the initial episode of WTFIWWTJ, i thought about it. And it actually started to make a sick sort of sense, i mean this is the country that brought us Razor Ramon Hard Gay, Ritual Suicide and everybodies favourite grade and junior high school game/past time know as Kancho. For those of you unfamiliar, here's the wikipedia intro to Kancho, yes someone made an article. Kancho is an act often played out in Japan; it is performed by clasping the hands together so the index fingers are pointing out and attempting to insert them sharply into someone's anal region when the victim is not looking.[2] It is similar to the wedgie or a goosing, although the latter acts do not involve direct intimate physical contact. A Kancho is often executed simultaneously as the offending party expresses loudly "Kan-CHO!" An act? Not sure about you, but involuntary prostate check comes to mind. Could you imagine some school kid doing that here? In school? If someone did that to me in Grade 9, they'd be going to the principals office with a broken nose and groin in need of icing. They'd probably be expelled too. And don't even get me started about Razor Ramon Hard Gay... japanese comedian Masaki Sumitani has cornered the market on the biker guy look from the Village People only he's added short shorts too it. And oh the antics. He's on Youtube. I recommend Hard Gay Ramen Shop! It is funny. My friend Dave said an acquaintance of ours dressed up as Hard Gay for Halloween a few years ago. When told who it was, i was amused but still a bit skeptical until I saw pictures. Here's the real Razor Ramon Hard Gay Anyways, National Penis Day, why not? They probably have national fart day too... only they probably call it floral emanations from buttocks or something. Bet there's even Haiku's about it. Makes you think what they're really talking about with those haiku's about cherry blossoms. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 10th, 2009
9:47 am	No Thanks! We Don't Want Any! Ha ha... that guy, Fred Phelps and a bunch of other wankers are not apparently on the UK Not to be allowed into the country list, a friend emailed me the story, it was on the BBC world service website. In case you don't know, Fred Phelps is the head dude of some church in the states, mainly him and his family...(says a lot of genetic predisposition for being assholes)... Anyways, his Congregation (family)likes to parade outside funerals and stuff with nice signs saying God Hates Fags and other unpleasant things. On predisposition for being assholes, we can add stupidity to the list, since the funerals they've been targeting most recently have been that of US soldiers who've died in Iraq or Afghanistan. Doesn't strike me as smart pissing off funeral goers, some of whom are undoubtedly trained in the use of automatic weapons... and hey, if someone does hose 'em, they could always claim post traumatic stress disorder or something, they might get away with it. There's a few others on it too... some Radio DJ from the States who says he's going to sue the british home secretary or whatever they're called, who put his name on the list for libel or slander... whatever the written version of character assasination is. Of course when you're radio show chatter is pretty much the equivalent of 'character suicide' does he really have a case? Some KKK guy is on it too... and some russian Neo-nazi, i don't know if they need the list for that, i mean some people are just no brainers. "Oh, hi large eastern european fellow with lots of tattoo's and jackboots, " my what a nice swastika tattoo you have on your head... Now if i could just inquire as to the purpose of your visit?" What i wonder is why doesn't Canada publicize the list our guys and girls go by? Of course being Canadian it'd probably include anyone who's ever been impolite, or left your group at the pub when the time comes for you to buy the next round. Anyways, the way i see it, If you're a fucking douche... i want to know about it along with the rest of the country, oh and go someplace else... I hear Yemen is nice in autumn. The Big Mac Snack Wrap from McDonalds annoys me, it raises all sorts of philosophical questions, right up there with "What is the meaning of life?" "Where Does the white go when the snow melts?" and now... What constitutes a 'big mac' ? I always thought it was the whole double decker aspect in all its beefy goodness, with the sauce playing a close supporting role. I mean they designed their own special bun for the thing! The new Big Mac Snack wrap confuses me, as it does have the sauce, but there's no doubledecker'ness, like Toronto's Go Trains or those cool english buses. Maybe McDonalds marketing is just to lazy to come up with something neat sounding... like Mac in a Wrap. Oh, I got a little excited today while channel flipping. As i speed channel surfed, i caught "38th Parliament has been dissolved" at the bottom of the screen on the BC Legislature channel. Then i realize, oh wait, it probably wasn't in industrial strength acid. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 26th, 2009
6:53 pm	Its a Pandemopocalypse!!! Hmmm... i just realized, my subject headers of late have, more often than not, been rather doomsayer'ish... The last thing i want to come across as is that guy who looks like he hasn't showered for a month wearing Salvation Army Hand me Downs and sandals WITH socks and a placard reading variations of "The End is Near", "John 3:16" or "Ask me about my poodle". Generally i'm pretty positive, but now there's a new bug that's popped up in Mexico... I heard them say something about it being a swine flu with avian flu characteristics... but they're still just calling it swine flu... no imagination at the CDC i tell ya... so I've christened it the Mexican Flying Pig Flu... just ask Neville (tool) or Eric, i was going on about this via text message all weekend during our graveyard shifts. Anyways, hurray for potential pandemics... if the flu victims start rising from the dead, and attacking the living, i'm so going to say "I Told You So" to a few people. Moving on, some news anchor dropped the 'f' bomb; no not that one you potty mouth... a spanish flu reference... something about this one affecting young adults just like that 1918 outbreak. Of course that resulted in me getting all curious and checking out pandemics on wikipedia.... holy crap there's a lot of diseases out there that have caused death on a wide scale. Stupid diseases, if i'm going to meet my end, it better be by zombie or perhaps an meteor strike. Not a damn microbe. Of course, the wikipedia surfing and widespread catastrophic death tolls got me wiki-surfing which, an hour later had resulted in lots of apprehension on my part, the world is a dangerous unforgiving place that'll get you the minute you turn your back. But, mainly because I stumbled onto Natural Disasters and stuff... There's things called Super Volcanos that have erupted in the past causing climate change, Mega-Tsunamis too! In fact, Harrison Lake is the site of a potential MegaTsunami. Mount Breakenridge at the north end of the lake could potentially break off and fall into Harrison Lake. Mountain sized chunk of rocks tend to displace quite a large amount of water. Something about a 100 foot plus wave rolling south down Harrison Lake and vaya con dios Harrison Hot Springs. On the plus side, it'd probably continue on and clean up Chilliwack... But thats nothing, some of these bad boys have the potential to be up to 1000 meters in height... mind you, the cause of one that high is a meteor impact, so the wall of water is the least of your worries what with the falling molten bits of planet chunks, the darkened sky... etc etc Stupid wikipedia... I'd rather be blissfully ignorant when it comes to that kind of knowledge. Here's some other things that i could either do without completely or at least remain ignorant of. Jelly Fish... like one needs more reasons to be afraid of the ocean. I mean, you can't see the bottom of the ocean generally but hey, at least you'll notice that 1000 kilogram shark coming at you... i mean, large size, the tell tale fin... that spooky John Williams music. Jelly fish, however, you can hardly even see until their stingers get you and if you're lucky, someone will be there to pee on you, or whatever it is they do, if you're not lucky, it'll be one of those species that pretty much kills you within minutes... damn neurotoxins! West Virginia... That's were carny's and hillbilly's come from.... need I say more? Alton Brown and the Chairman from Iron Chef America... your martial arts skills won't save you without multiple retakes chairman! And your movies are b-movies at best... And Alton... how do I loathe thee... let me count thy ways. (speaking of B Movies, Keith (roommate) ordered in and received the DVD, Jesus Christ: Vampire Slayer. Its got the awesomest tagline... The power of Christ Impales you... Hurray for cheesy B-movies!!!) Gordon Ramsey... jesus christ, will some disgruntled cast member of Hells Kitchen stab him already. I'd say throw hot oil in his face, but it looks like someones already done that. Hillbilly's (See West Virginia) Having to work for a living... i'd rather just you know, follow the winter around the world and ski. And when i get sick of that, follow the summer time around and suntan and uh... judge bikini contests... hurray for hemispheres! Winter on one side, summer on the other... Zombies... hmmm... bitey, stinky, dead and a hankering for a piece of ol' AJ... no thank you sir, i would not like to purchase your apples today... Laugh tracks... if you have to prompt your viewers to laugh, its time for the writers to fall on their swords... I'd say pens but it'd hurt alot more and hey, I'm not mean... okay, mean yes, sadistic, no. 2 and a Half Men... thats a huge case in point and any other number of sitcoms.... Charlie Sheen (See Laugh Tracks) It was so much nicer when he was drinking, at least there was a hope that he'd do something stupid and get arrested and put away... at least we'd not have to put up with him annoying us on TV. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
11:43 pm	The end is nigh! I'm pretty sure I witnessed one of the signs that the apocalypse is upon us or at least a precursor.... and no, it wasn't Demi Moore giving birth to a soulless child with that creepy Jurgen Prochnow lurking about... ooh skulking! Thats a great word... yes, change that to skulking... Most of You should remember Toto from the 80's and if not, stop reading and go ask an older sibling or parent if they remember Toto (and if they say the little dog in Wizard of Oz, try someone a little younger), go on, its alright, go on and ask, i'll be here. Okay, now that you've been enlightened, hopefully at least to the extent that you now know that Toto was a band, you maybe even know that they had a song name Africa (also,Rosanna, Hold the Line) these hits occurred in that decade known as the 80's... Africa was okay, it was you're typical cheesey ballad'ish type song. Probably got played a lot at the end of the night at the club or high school dances... last song of the evening and all that... I'd rate it as at least a Stilton on the cheesiness scale. Anyways, my dire prediction for impending doom has been caused by something almost too horrible to remember... I had the misfortune of seeing that Toto's Africa has been covered recently, there's even a music video. Its so horrible, I thought my ears were going to start bleeding... hell if i had a screwdriver, i might of helped them along if that'd of made the music stop. And yes, before you mention it, i know i could of pressed mute button, but then i wouldn't of been able to put in that over the top screwdriver in ones ear bit... So, who perpetrated this horror on yours truly, and the music video watching public at in general? Well, we've its some tool (no not you Neville...or you Lloyd) named Karl Wolf, he's the perpetrator of this musical crime against humanity. Hmmm... sounds german, i bet he skulks when he's not prancing about in bad music videos... I wonder if he and Prochnow hang out... Anyways, I'm pretty sure he's probably an agent of the dark lord. In his picture below, despite his penchant for wearing hats, you can clearly see evidence of horns and there's a bit of tail... It is nice to see that the dark forces have been keeping with the times. They've modernized in the scourge and wrath department... no more locust plagues or fire and brimstone, all the first born dying nonsense... nope, just crappy music that stupid kids are going to buy because its catchy to their tone deaf ears... Don Henley, Bruce Springsteen and Ted Nugent should form a posse and just hang outside of record stores... any kids coming out of the store with crap (They can decide what constitutes crap, but i'm going to vote that Herr Wolf be put on that list) should get beaten with rubber hoses and maybe a phone book. Easter! I almost forget to mention that I remembered what I disliked about Easter... Cadbury cream eggs make me feel pukey... I think its sugar poisoning or something... they taste so good, yet within 10 minutes of ingestion, my brain feels like its shutting down and the nausea shows up and it becomes a battle of wills... to puke or not to puke, that is the question... or rather was the question... moving on.... Anyone else remember when A&E was a good channel? Now they've got a show called Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal.... wtf? *sigh* Had an interesting convo' online with my friend from the land down under, it amused me... I guess people will always find things interesting that they don't have around them or have no experience in dealing with, in this case, its bears. The same could be said for me though, I think dingo's are pretty neat too but then I've not been attacked by a pack of dingos or whatever they call a pack down there... probably something weird sounding... like a 'Tallywagirdoo..' of dingos... I haven't had any dingos take off with my baby either... (too soon?) We were talking about wildlife and I mentioned the abundance of snakes and spiders of the deadly bitey variety in Australia, I mentioned Black Widow spiders and rattle snakes that we have in the Okanagan... me: i'd rather not see them in real life me: i've heard them rattling me: while mountain biking in Vernon at my buddies lakefront condo me: only then did i realize why the place we were riding was called Rattlesnake Point Kirby: i like bears Kirby: grizzlies Kirby: well, i like baby bears.... Kirby: i find bears so astonishing Kirby: they're like no other creature Me: yes Me: most other creatures can't disembowel you with a single swipe of a claw Me: ah, the noble Grizzly Me: I bet a dingo couldn't do that! (I bet one would also look astonished up until that moment they got mauled... at least until that whole shrieking panic driven urge to flee kicks in and then it just gets fun for Mr. Grizzly...) Oh yeah! Its been a few months since I bought it, and I must say, I love my Crest Spinbrush, and no, i'm not using its spinning vibrating bristles for some perverted nefarious purposes... its a platonic love. Its is so choice! Its like taking your teeth to the car wash, and not the wussy touchless car wash... we're talking the kind with those big spinning flails of death that'll strip the flesh of a moose in 20 seconds... okay, maybe not that, but I bet you wouldn't want to run through one of those kinds of car washes naked. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
12:50 am	"Uhh... they appear to be naked and blue" Lets just start off by saying I love my apartment. Its spacious, has a nice view sort of, if looking at a shopping Malls is your thing, and there's a reasonable amount of hot ladies in the building and the surrounding area. Now brace yourselves because since this is going to be so not like me, you know... Me not liking something and then complaining about it... that's unheard of and quite out of character....just so you're forewarned. Anyways, back on topic. The thing I don't like is annoying neighbors and all their idiosyncrasies. Like that saying goes, you can't pick your family... same goes for your neighbors...I mean, unless you form a mob with pitchforks and torches and run the annoying ones out of town. And I imagine torches in an apartment building would violate some city of Burnaby fire code or bylaws about unruly mobs, so that's right out. So you're stuck with them. As well, apparently, I'm told, threatening to beat someone about the face and neck with a sock with a roll of quarters in it isn't kosher either... something about uttering threats... bodily harm... etc etc... Freedom of Speech my ass... if i can't use my gift for prose to belittle others, and/or make them comply with my wishes (in part because of the threats of unique ways of inflicting harm) then is there really free speech?? Stupid Criminal Code and the man trying to keep me down. Not being able to tell mouth breathing morons to shut the hell up or stop being uh... mouth breathing morons upon threat of harm is enabling idiocy is what its doing. Makes one wish that Darwinian evolutionary process would be a little more pro-active. Another thing I've seen and so has my roommate Keith... Loogies in the elevator. What the hell is wrong with some peoples kids, I mean, they were either just outside, or going to be outside in a minute or so, why wait till they're in the elevator to spit a big greeny onto the elevator walls or in the case where I've seen, the elevator door. Its gross, don't do it, and if i ever happen to be on the elevator when someone does it, its going to be quite tempting not to have an impromptu race between which hits the lift door first, the offending loogie or the spitters noggin'. I'm looking forward to the summer months too. The retards in the suite below me are college kids, annoying young ladies I think, since that's the voices I hear more often than not when they're out on the balcony smoking chattering away. I understand smoking, i used to smoke myself... second hand smoke is a hazard of living close to other peoples suites, that's fine... but smoking cheap cigars, or really bad pot like what happened earlier today? That was annoying. If you're going to be blazing on the balcony in my vicinity, at least make sure its some hydroponic chronic, i mean, i don't smoke myself, but if I'm going to be smelling it, i better be getting a residual high or there's going to be trouble. They also have a habit of doing the aforementioned activity on the weekends at 2:00am in the morning with their friends. Apparently they're also unclear on the concept of 'inside voices' when they're on the balcony. Its not like they're still in the pub and have to talk over the band or canned music. They are however surrounded on all sides by 8 other suites, peopled by those who might have to be up in the morning for work. A few weeks ago this happened one night, like clockwork, every half hour, they were out there smoking and yapping until 3am. And since the building security is about as useful as uh... something not very useful at all, fat chance them doing anything about it. And i imagine a noise complaint is so low a priority for the RCMP, unless of course its someone screaming fire or something, they won't be much help either, plus they'd probably taser someone who'd promptly die and then the noise of media trucks and all that would add to the annoyance. I need a police door breaker downer and tear gas so i could take care of the problem myself. Nothing like a tear gas canister to clear out a dwelling. Or I could knock on the door and smack the person who answers on the forehead with a plastic spatula. And before they can say anything, I'll do it again, and say, hey, that's kind of annoying isn't it? and when they agree, I'll say, yeah, kind of like you and your friends loud voices out on the balcony at 3 in the fucking morning. I'll punctuate the profanity with another smack on the head with the spatula and then walk off... maybe whistling a happy tune or something, I'm all about the cool exits. Oh! Laundry Room related issue! Why would you look into a dryer if there's still lots of time showing on the dryer clock and its obviously running. And why, i ask, after doing this, do some people feel compelled to not start the dryer again, i mean, they do know it costs a 1.50$ for that hour and 7 minutes. Are they like *Evil Laughter* I have wasted 67 cents worth of someones dryer time by not starting it again... I am bad assed and now I shall have 'mad street cred' with my homies... Also for the love of god, clean out the lint traps! Its a fire hazard dammit! What else.... oh yeah! I was On my way back into the lobby of the building after getting some ice cream from Safeway earlier this evening... (Mocha Almond Fudge if you're wondering and it was awesome). Anyways getting out of the elevator and heading into the parkade was an older couple, the lady in that pair had so much perfume on, you could actually see it, it had its own visual spectrum... like that haziness often associated with mirages, although in this case, it was a stinky headache inducing mirage. What is with Older women who wear so much perfume? I mean, she had gotten off the elevator 20 seconds before I actually got into it, and the entire place still smelled like perfume. Is it a 'look younger' thing, on account of the fact that due to eyes watering, anyone within 10 feet of her won't notice any wrinkles? So yes, down with annoying neighbors... one of the things I'd love to ban... along with hang nails... Alton Brown and uh.. West Virginia... On another note, i had some Microwave popcorn the other day and it had so many different languages on it, it looked like it might of come from the Commissary at the UN General Assembly. Russian, Polish, Italy, Spanish, German and some sort of chinese, can't tell if its mandarin or cantonese... I suspect it was probably a shipping error, at least they had the english, and barring english they also had the french which i could of figured out. But still, that pallet was probably meant to go to the EU or something. On a side note, despite the english, i still managed to burn it. Stupid popcorn. Keith and I had an interesting discussion on the subject of Military tactics today too. I can't remember how it started but the result amused me. Forget the surprise attack or things like flanking and what not, Keith would of been a good Celt I suspect. Thank god for MSN allowing these conversations to be saved for all time. Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? said: naked frontal assault Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? said: bet that would slow em down |AJ| says: ah yes, in only that way that bafflement can... the initial "What the hell..." has probably won many a battle throughout history... |AJ| says: like the first time the Celts met the Romans |AJ| says: the Roman Centurion to his troops, right-o, we're going to charge up there and kill us some barbarians... |AJ| says: "Uh sir, theyr'e charging us..." |AJ| says: "What?" |AJ| says: "Uhh... they appear to be naked and blue" |AJ| says: "Errrmmm" Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? says: you know, suddenly modern military life suddenly makes a lot more strategic sense all the fuckery and douchebaggery that seems to be the "real" armed forces is just to reduce the WTF kneejerk reaction to almost nil |AJ| says: you might be on to something Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? says: //alien invasion by Cthulu-like zombies Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? says: "RAAARRARGGH!" Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? says: -pause- Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? says: "dude, you call that a soul wrenching yell? We heard worse than that when we bet Dave a forty to stick the habanero up his ass" The sad thing is, the habanero in someones bum thing. Its probably been done more than once (not necessarily by the same person) and I definately know some people who'd gladly give up a 40 of scotch in a bet for someone to do that. And no, i won't say who. You know who you are. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 29th, 2009
11:54 pm	Domo-kuns! They Are Among Us... Its been awhile since i've watched cartoons and lets just say, the times, they are a changing. Whatever happened to Scooby Doo and Starblazers and the Thundercats? This morning would be a case in point. I was channel surfing and came across Teletoon... love that channel for the most part but this was wierd. There was this animated show, stop-motion, with a domo-kun... I thought they were primarily a japanese phenomenon but they've apparently migrated to the west, following that trail blazed by the Pokemon phenomenon. The intro was interesting to say the least. And once again brought up the often heard lament around my apartment, "What the fuck is wrong with the Japanese?" I've seen that motivation poster, so I'm aware that they eat kittens apparently whenever you engage in self gratification of a nature that results in blindness and/or hair growth on your hands. What i didn't know is that when they have gas (which is often, probably that all kitten diet), they expel pink smoke, which propels them at velocity. (I'm wondering if that has to do with their diet, would they go that far if it was puppies... I can see billboards now... "Kittens! The Fuel of the Future" (Waits for PETA hate mail) Oh, the domo-kun are also apparently are fluent in Japanese, but prefer to speak in broken english with japanese phrases thrown in, probably to let your typical unenlightened western viewer know that they're not of this continent. Like we needed that heads up though. I mean if you can't tell a japanese 'creature' by its tell-tale characteristics, you've had to have been living under a rock since 1985. For easy identification of this new threat from the east, think a brown Spongebob Squarepants, minus the pants and a predilection for eating cats. Oh,their mouths are always agape, with rows of shiny teeth visible, and they have black lifeless eyes, like a shark. Now, the show itself was maybe a five minute short spot during which i had absolutely no clue what was going on, i was pretty confused, anyways all of you out there, be wary... they infiltration has begun. (Apparently they don't like snakes either) For more TV related horror, my apartment building has a front door camera, as i may have mentioned in the past, anyways, not only was i subjected to pink gas blowing Domo-kuns during that channel surfing but i also saw a rat wandering around on the front door camera. Outdoor wild rats give me the heeby jeebies. I bet he's out there right now, looking up at my window... plotting my demise. And believe it or not the last of the television oddness. I came across an odd show. I think it was a Filipino comedy or maybe a soap opera. I only watched a few minutes of it. There was a black leather jacket hanging off the back of a chair, and i think it might of been evil. There was also a lady cleaning the place, and in the scene she had this funky glowing broom that shot out little sparkly things when she was sweeping the jacket. Or maybe she was trying to destroy the evilness. Then another lady came in with a kid and they were like, what are you doing (I think) and then two guys came in and one put on the jacket, and he started acting like a jack ass, and then the next thing you know, the lady with the broom is in a tunnel, sans broom, being chased by a giant spider. She kept getting away and then getting tangled in the web, and then it went to commercial. I'm still baffled at the whole segment... I had an amusing conversation with Keith the other day. I don't know what he was doing but the subject of super-marathons came up and he sent me a few links for wikipedia that gave a run down on a few of the ones that are out there. Some of these are just silly. Yeah, lets run through a scorching desert in California in late July, early August for 215km in 49 degree weather. Crazy assed marathoners. Anyways, mental stability of the participants aside, i figure it takes quite a bit of toughness to do one of these.... 3/28/2009 6:55:44 PM Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_Desert 3/28/2009 7:01:15 PM Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? or even better http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Badwater_Ultramarathon 3/28/2009 7:01:33 PM |AJ|: Samuel L Jackson could do those in his sleep with no supplies 3/28/2009 7:01:49 PM Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? no he couldn't. And do you know why? 3/28/2009 7:02:20 PM Chrome Newfie: home.... or am I? Because Sammy would slap any bitch who dared to imply he had to go running over gods back alleys to prove shit to YO pussy ass 3/28/2009 7:03:08 PM |AJ| hehe He brings up a very valid point. I imagine Chuck Norris would have a similar reaction, that or just invade California. I saw pineapples were on sale at Safeway buy 1, get 1 free. I love pineapples. Unfortunately I initially didn't have a clue how to determine if they're ripe or not. Apparently winging a pineapple at the head of a produce clerk and seeing if they get knocked out isn't an approved method. I've been told to look at the colour and smell, but that's not nearly as fun as rendering someone unconscious with a large piece of fruit. I bet they'd cause injury to someone if dropped from my fourth floor apartment. You know, like on noisy people out front of the building leaving the pub without any consideration for residents. Ooh, or those idiots with their loud stereos dropping off or picking up their friends late at night. I wonder if I'd get penetration on a windshield... I bet I'd have to freeze the pineapple first... I imagine they'd be more effective than waterballoons. *Makes a note to test this one day* Frozen pineapples... that just gave me an idea. I wonder if they'd act like a watermelon. You know, cut a hole, empty a bottle of vodka into it and freeze it. I'm thinking with a pineapple, malibu would be your best bet. Something to try in the summer! Speaking of drinking habits, I've switched to tea instead of coffee. I wonder what this is going to do to my caffiene intake. I do like how tea doesn't seem to eat away at my stomach lining, as the coffee often did. So hurray for that, if nothing else. Is anyone else wondering when these Facebook changes are going to end? It seems i just start getting used to the previous set up and blammo, they go and move stuff around on you. And Windows Live Messenger/MSN also has a new versions... when will the madness end. I took a class for work last weekend. Its so i know how to use an Automatic External Defibrilator or however the hell you spell it. I can now shock people with something other than my ability to combine bad words into works of art. If there was a noble prize for swearing and insults, I'd so nominate myself. Anyways, in theory, I now know how to use the machine to jump start the ol’ ticker in the event of a cardiac arrest. Of course, I was under the impression that if you’re having a cardiac arrest, its pretty much game over, so my views on this ‘AED’ worth are somewhat dubious. Plus i had to stay awake later than i normally would of had to, so my opinion might be a bit tainted as a result of that. Anyways, survival percentages in a cardiac arrest are low, what's the statistic? your chance of survival goes us 1.5% if someone shocks you. Here's a thought, just don't have a heart attack. That's my plan! I guess you could describe my attitude towards the machine as much the same as I feel about those life preservers underneath your seat in the airplane. You know, "In the event of a water landing, there is a life jacket under your seat etc etc etc..." You think those are actually going to be of some benefit too you in the event of a 'water landing'? (Airline-speak for crashing..) Those life jackets are just there to make you feel better... "No problem here, I've got a life jacket that's going to protect me when we slam into the water at 500 kilometers an hour..." Don't get me wrong, the life jackets aren't completely useless. They're probably a great help the first responders. All those floating life jackets make finding the site of the crash all the more easy, but that's about it... That Hudson River thing aside, if you go down in water in a jet airliner, you’ve got as much chance as Paulie Shore winning a Best Actor Oscar. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 14th, 2009
6:58 pm	Movies, TV and Birds.... oh my... This morning on the way to work, I looked up because I saw a fast moving shadow on the ground. Not hearing the roar of a jet engine I figured it wasn't plane trying to conduct an emergency landing on Lougheed Highway, i looked around and saw an Eagle flying gracefully through the air, all majestic like. Not as majestic or as noble as our friend the Emu, but still pretty cool. As far as avian street cred goes, those two birds know they've got it. As I looked, I thought it was kind of neat, all these little eagles or eaglets or whatever they're called are flying in formation. Oh wait they're diving at him, playing tag or something how cute. Oh.... wait... those aren't eaglets... and they aren't playing tag. Those are crows!!! It looked like something out of 12 O'Clock High on the Turner Movie Channel. The Eagle, lumbering Allied bomber making its way into the heart of industrial German to cripple the Nazi War Industry... the crows, streaking by like Jerry Focke-Wolfe 190's... What a bunch of fucking jerks! So yes. Crows are jerks. I bet if Emu's could fly, they'd totally kick crow ass. I saw The Watchmen last weekend with Keith. It was hella cool. Wish I could throw people about and punch like The Comedian or The Night Owl. As for Doctor Manhattan, blue glowy dude was pretty cool, that whole making bad guys uh... explode was a neat power. On the downtside, the gigantic blue glowy male frontal nudity was rather unexpected..... it was like a car wreck. I couldn't help but notice, 'Oh great, he's got no pants on...... again'.... it wasn't like that in every scene that he was in. There was this speedo type thing he wore especially when he went to end the Viet Nam war. Glowing and invincible or not, a RPG to the Mr. Happy would probably sting some. Anyways, watching the movie, things would be going nicely, adventure and bad guy ass kickery and then the bastard film makers would suddenly spring it on you again. There'd be a conversation between him and someone else and then the camera would pull back and blammo! Glowing blue wang.... As my roommate commented, i bet the parents in the row ahead of us with the four 9 year old kids were probably thinking, oh dear god... violence and people exploding and giant blue glowy dong! Hmmm... i would liken it to the surprise I would feel if i were to get punched in the crotch from a midget. First off i don't know any midgets, so why one would want to punch me in the crotch, so it would definately be surprising. Of course referring to them as midgets as opposed to little people has probably enraged them into a groin punching frenzy so i'll have to keep a look out... or maybe a look down..... That Shamwow Infomercial annoys me! Or rather The Shamwow guy... 'made in germany and you know they make good stuff'. Oh yeah, make good stuff... they did a bang up job with the Hindenburg. They do throw a pretty good world war... although that might just be me stereotyping... i do hear their cuisine isn't too hot... although I do like strudel. Right after I i saw that commercial, i came across Man Vs. Wild. The guy was poking a thing called a Giant Centipede with a stick. You figure the guys would have learned after Steve Irwin. Anyways, this thing was at least 30 centimeters long!!! Hmmm... Centimeter... Centipede... probably something to do with latin... or perhaps centipedes are in fact our insect overlords and have unduly influenced the english language. Anyways not only is it creepy looking with all those legs, its also huge and the icing on the cake, there's the whole Toxic bite it can inflict that people compare to what it feels like to be poked with by red hot poker. Apparently they're aggressive too. At least the bites aren't fatal according to the show... They're a popular pet among people who like those kinds of bugs. Like spiders and centipedes and other creepy crawly types. If i see one, its going to be stomp first, ask questions later. Oh yeah, on another note, the british host annoyed me too... he pronounced Haiti as Hai-yee-tea... I saw another commercial too, it was a good day, or rather bad day for commercials i guess... This one was for a dog training DVD. Don Sullivan's Secrets to Training Dogs. It comes with 2 DVD's and a 'command collar' that's adjustable too all sizes of dogs. Adjustable eh? I wonder if they're talking size or voltage? I got a question as to my musical tastes the other day, just so i wouldn't get stuff sent that i'd just drop into the Recycling Bin on the desk top. Question: What are your feelings on R&B and Rap. My Answer: An audio plague set upon humanity by the Lord of Darkness Beezlebub himself..... I like the stuff I have of the rap variety, and that consists of a few songs by NWA. Those guys are hilarious and i imagine they'd piss off old people people in my building if i had a decent stereo and were to crank Straight out of Compton at 3am. I'm gangsta' yo! (Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2009
5:20 pm	Bathroom of Mystery Okay, so its friday and my roommate just left the apartment.  Not sure where he's going, probably the gym.  I just moseyed on out of my room to  refill my water glass in the bathroom.  A perfectly normal activity that should of gone off without any issues.  Until I entered the bathroom.  There was an item that shouldn't be anywhere near the bathroom unless one intends to throw it out after whatever task it was used for has been completed.  What was in the bathroom that was't there during my last trip in there?  There, resting oh so innocently next to the sink was a pair of tongs.  You know, the kitchen utensil one uses for like, cooking hot dogs or steaks on the Barbeque.  Why is it there's always strange items being found in the bathroom.  No matter where I live, at some point, I find something in the bathroom that, by any stretch of the imagination shouldn't be there.  Mind you Keith does have quite the imagination, but thats a deep dark evil place I try not to visit to often. To put it into a nerdy perspective,  think of my brain as The Shire...  well, Keiths brain is Mordor, complete with that all seeing eye of Sauron ready to inflict grievous mental harm on any who dare to visit.  When i figure out an apt metaphor for the 9 Ring Wraiths, i'll let you know.   Anyways, I do know want to know what they were being used for, yet my brain keeps coming up with all sorts of creepy scenarios.  I don't think i'm going to be able to sleep tonight. I'm also going to use the kitchen sink to fill up my water from now on.  Or better yet, get a Brita to keep in my room.  (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
1:37 am	Close Calls! So, disaster and horror were narrowly avoided earlier this evening!!  My roommate went to the gym in our complex and i guess he saved showering until he got home. Wise move on his part,  the gym is pretty big and i imagine at least a dozen people there have a nasty case of athletes foot and probably don't where flip-flops.  Anyways, he was in the shower; and I happened to be in the kitchen looking for something snack-like.  Anyways, I could here the shower running and then came sounds of crashes from the bathroom, sounding like shampoo bottles and stuff being knocked over, possibly from him falling down and taking out said shampoo bottles.  Initially i was wondering if i should knock and then had a mental picture of him half out of the bathtub, shower running entangled dead in the shower curtain looking like a beluga whale that had gotten tangled up in a driftnet and then wound up washed ashore.  Three minutes later i came to on the kitchen floor still kind woozy but now mentally prepared for that image.  I was about to knock on the door and yell so he could hear me, "Hey, you aren't having a stroke in there are you?" Fortunately i realized how Keith could turn that into something mind destroying and i was able to catch myself. I was a bit shakey after on account of the near miss and have made my psyche immune to any combination of responses he could of come up with, but it was close... too close.  Plus i heard noises in there indicating life.  So yeah...  phew! (BTW: I settled on Cheese and Crackers) Since I'm on the subject of disturbing i discovered something disturbing about Spenda No Calorie Sweetener. I was up and about Monday morning and was making myself my morning cup of tea. I grabbed the condensed milk from the fridge and decided i didn't want to mess up a spoon scooping up sugar so i grabbed the splenda above the sink since it has a little spout doohickey on the side so no spoon would need to be washed.  You know, if i wanted a second cup of tea, i'd need two spoons.  One for stirring, one for sugar scooping.  Anyways, I put some Splenda in my tea.  It sat on top of the tea, guess its not dense enough and surface tension in the glass suspended it there for a second. I thought, neat and then it started fizz like some kind of chemical reaction was taking place. I stared in disbelief as it broke down into pretty much nothing and thought to myself, that can't be good. The only ingestible substance that should fizz on contact with liquid is pop rocks as far as i'm concerned. Oh, I saw Shirley Manson from the band Garbage on a TV commercial. She's now on that Terminator TV Series, and looks like she's one of those liquidy terminators like Robert Patrick in Terminator 2.  Oh how her career must have fallen to be reduced to TV roles and you know she's going to get capped by a young John Connor or that cute lady from Serenity who plays his Terminator protector. Garbage did kind of fizzle after the Garbage Version 2.0 album came out.  At least I've not heard anything new by them that struck me as particularly good. Oh well!  Good luck Shirley!  Keep extending your 15 minutes!!! (Comment on this)
Friday, February 13th, 2009
7:21 pm	Hurray for Toast! So... its Friday the 13th. I was up early for a long awaited (partially my fault okay... all my fault) dentist appointment. Initially I wasn't  sure given the date that it was a wise move. Letting a person i don't know inside my mouth with sharp objects is a good way to end up another face on a milk carton. I'll probably end up dead anyways on account of the fact that when i walked in to the office, the dental assistant who ended up assisting with the filling looked like death warmed over. Hurray for head colds. At least she wore a mask and gloves. Could be psychosomatic, but i do feel kind of headachey. Or perhaps thats just the last of the freezing leaving my system. Anyways, end result, there shouldn't be any more "Pliers... pliers... my kingdom for a pair of pliers" laments on my part. And my liver function might return to normal once all those Tylenol 1's I've been popping leave my system. On another note... Good Bye Codeine by old friend... you made it possible to function and sleep, or rather, sleep making me able to function. Yaaaah Codiene. Even better, the dentist said stick to soft foods. I asked if Toast was okay and he said, sure just no crunchy peanut butter. Glad I'm a smooth PB kind of guy. So now i get to eat toast. Since i love toast, I look at this as one of the small rays of sunshine in an otherwise terribly unfun experience. (Not sure if unfun is a word, if its not, well, it is now...) Oh! Who's seen that commercial for that handy little piece of equipment right out of one of George Orwell? I'm talking about The Listen In. Why don't they just call it "Nosey Old Coots" or something. Sure the commercial touts its many 'legitimate' uses but you just know some old biddy is going to be using it to listen to too her neighbours across the way and we'll end up with some Rear Window type thing happening because they over hear a conversation taking place on the TV Show CSI. I wonder how many false alarm 911 calls are going to be made as a result. Also the commercial itself kind of irritates me. The guys wife who's always yelling at him to turn the TV down or the Music in not a terribly polite way. Hello! Didn't you say In Sickness and in health. Hearing loss would fall into that sickness category I would think. That's a homicide waiting to happen... after he's just finished hiding her body in the freezer he's probably all like "Hey! Is it quiet enough in there for you  now bitch!!!!" Or maybe its just my finely honed sensibilities and inability to tolerate rudeness in others. For those of you about to jump all over that statement,  I did say others.   Another homicide or at least violent assault waiting to happen, is that Gordon Ramsey guy. I'm starting to dislike him as much as Alton Brown. I mean, its a special kind of stupid, here you are, with your TV Show, Hells Kitchen and you're freaking out and swearing and calling into question these contestants careers and competence as chefs. Me, i don't think being a giant fucking douche around a bunch of people who have access to kitchen equipment like sharp knifes and meat thermometers is very wise. They no doubt, are quite versed in the use of such equipment. In other news, god i'm old. I was talking about music with a friend and the song by Soundgarden,  Blackhole Sun came up and i realized that it was quite awhile ago since it came out. In fact, so long ago, i couldn't quite recall when i first heard it. Narrowed it down to just after I graduated high school. Then i realized holy crap, that was 1993, its been 15 fucking years! YOu know, Like the Last fucking Millenium? What a horrid thought. Two more quick thoughts before I stop. This mother of octuplets. The news stations have taken to  calling her Octumom in the little text they display while interviewing people. Octumom? What the hell is that? She's got a name given by her parents, her situation doesn't make it that hard to remember that name; although right now I can't, but thats because i don't really give a crap.  But Octumom... probably the same geniuses who coined "Shock and Awe"... i mean they're probably out of work now.  This moniker makes her out to be some kind of super-villian straight out of a marvel comic. Shooting babies out her hoo-hoo at our intrepid super heroes, who being superheroes must rescue the newborns while the dreaded Octumom makes her escape. And last but not least why are there parental Advisory Warnings for a movie on Teletoon at 2am in the morning on a weeknight. Obviously mommy or daddy are still at the bar or crackshack or whatever the hell it is they're doing so they must not be doing that good a job if the kid is up at 2am watching tv so the warnings really a moot point. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 16th, 2009
6:34 pm	..... Hahahaha... I wonder what they were thinking over at the National Post last weekend? Perhaps the crashing economies made the editors look for something on the lighter side to run at the top of page 3, as a way to ward of doom and gloom. They probably just moved the 'poor economy' stories for farther back in the paper. Anyways, the headline was "UFO wrecks wind turbines in England" courtesy of The Daily Telegraph. Oh those whacky Brits, it must be a tabloid like a lot of the daily papers over there. One thing i do like about the british paper printing industry is there own take on Page 3 whackiness known as The Page 3 girl. Hurray for bikinis, or on some of the less reputable 'rags' naked boobies. I wonder if you have to be 18 to buy them. (The paper, not the boobies) As it was the story was an odd counter point to the only other article on the page, which was a rather serious article about the murder of a anti-corruption activitist/journalist in Sri Lanka. I mean, At best it should of been on the "Isn't that Curious" news page... If the National Post picked it up, i wonder what the Enquirer had to say about it. Probably a 4 page spread, probably involving the return of L. Ron Hubbard and a merry gang of previously departed Scientologists complete with interviews. Also probably a comment from Tom Cruise who would no doubt be jealous not getting to hang with El-Ron. I was amused by the story so i texted the gist of it to Jon and Eric, no reply from Eric but Jon seemed to be determined to survive this invasion. I mentioned to him that its probably a start of an attack, you know, first they take out our infrastructure, like power, who likes being without light and TV, not me. I tell him next it'll be the communications satellites. He mentioned something about having UNSC Marine training. I gave him a news flash that playing Halo for 4 years doesn't make one a Spartan. Also, Panago now scares me. They know where you live, they know what you normally order... holy big brother... i wonder if thats how they'll find taliban sleeper cells... you know, working hard all day planning their acts of terror, they're probably going to be too tired to cook or run out for some take-away... why not order a nice pizza. Think twice if you're ordering pizza thats anything with olives, feta and any middle eastern type topping! Oh, an amusing anecdote. Got home a few hours late last week and it was a work night for the roommate. But he wasn't home..... no where to be seen... first place i thought to look was the large freezer we have. Why I thought there, I'm still not sure. When i told Keith, he just kind of laughed. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 8th, 2009
10:33 pm	Where'd 2007 Go? I want my money Back! So, for those of you not still not recovered from a New Years Eve Hangover; or perhaps spent the 31st hiding in a bunker thinking that hey, maybe 2008/2009 transition is going to be when the Millennium Computer havoc finally hits us, you'll have noticed that we've successfully (bunker dwellers and the hung-over aside) made the transition into the year 2009. What does this mean? Well, aside from the fact that Buck Rogers is now 22 years into his flight on Ranger 3 for one, it means that this is my first entry of the year. Hurray! And sure, it probably could of been written a bit closer to January 1st, but hey, like a lot of peoples flights during the bad winter weather, better late than never. HAHAHAHAH... too soon? With the coming of the New Year, I thought I'd do a year in review type thing, you know, highlighting the various events of the year that occurred in my life, what exciting things i did, thrills, spills, chills, if any. Well, truth be told i pretty much worked all last year had crappy days off when i did have days off (much like my amigo Stephen) and aside from that, was working 60+ hours a week. So April to around September was a bit of a blur, actually a haze... maybe even a blurry haze with a bit of kaliedescope thrown in for good measure. Think M.C. Escher painting with the stairs but throw LSD and maybe a side of shrooms. I'm sure some things happened, i didn't get from April to whats now January without doing anything. There's pictures on facebook that show me horrifically sunburned. I think i recall that occurred at the beach with Eric. I hope he burned worse than myself and I hope i had fun. I think its true though, this past year being a case in point, that as you get older time seems to speed up. I remember people my senior saying something similar to that but usually dismissing it out of hand as a symptom of early onset dementia, but they might be onto something. About the only thing of significance is i got a new job with more hours a week, yet less days actually working, this was in December and its way less stressful. Plus i don't have to put up with walking peroxide spill with a passing acquaintance with truth (Juhnun knows who i'm talking about... and i imagine Stephen and Stephen #2. And an equally objectionable Brit! No, not you Ravi.) What else... oh... I got a Playstation 3. That was good, killed quite a few hours with that toy. On the plus side, the PS3 did result in socializing expenses dropping significantly. What would of been 3 hours at the pub in my building grabbing a bite to eat of bar food and then having to many rye and cokes, I basically went in there, ordered food and pop, ate and rushed back home because i didn't want my game playing compromised by sweet sweet Rye and Coke. One downside is my hands and thumbs get a bit sore from using the game controller. Figured they'd be used to that. Apparently there's a game out there now that reads your thoughts, or something. I didn't see the full story but sounds kinda neat although do they really need a game system out there, where yoiu don't have to move at all? Isn't that why they made the Wii? To get those fat americans moving while watching TV? Hmmm... oh yeah! I keep seeing this 45 second infomercial for "the snuggy". Its pretty much a blanket with a hood and sleeves. I don't know about you, but from where i come from its called a poncho. Anyways, its supposed to keep you warm while you're sitting on the couch, out and ball games (Who'd wear that to a ball game is beyond me unless you want to risk an atomic wedgie. Oh, or you know, when you're not wearing it in a social setting, it could also pull double duty out there in that swamp land sacrificial alter, where that hobo you rendered unconscious with that GHB you slipped into that 40 ounce of Malt Liquor is waiting to take one for the team to appease your dark lord, Choronzon. Definitely give off a cult vibe. It'd also wouldn't looked out of place on a bunch of peeps standing about in post apocalyptica worshipping an unexploded nuclear weapon while hiding from monkeys and Scientologists who are trying to corner the cloak fashion market. (Ha! I didn't directly call them a cult... do your worst Scientology Legal team!) Oh, another late night TV discovery of a somewhat disturbing nature... Denise Crosby (of Star Trek: The Next Generation and the documentary movie Trekkies fame) was on that lovely show The Red Shoe Diaries. *Listens closely to all the trekkies collective antennae and tricorders activate coinciding with a large increase in Denise Crosby/Red Shoe Diaries searches on Torrent Search* Yup, boys she's on there. Now if she took the roll in an attempt to avoid being typecast as a star trek only actor, she certainly could of chosen better, i mean, she's a cop in episode and has a uniform and cuffs and the usual Red Shoe diaries cheesiness then occurs. Anyways, Denise Crosby... who'd a thunk it! Related New Job stuff. I have to wear CSA approved safety boots, meaning steel toes and little green triangle of safety approval. Lucky for me i had my Size 12 Dakota's complete with the green triangle and everything. 3 hours into wearing them, i quickly remembered why i hated wearing them. Safety boots my ass. The whole title is misleading. These things would of made a great torture device for the Holy Inquisition. Just put them onto the herectic with only one pair of socks and make them walk 50 meters. They'll confess to anything and after around 8 steps, walk like they're suffering from Polio. Anyways, i figured it'd just be a matter of time before i broke them in. Well, its been around a month, and my boots have either broken in sufficiently or my feet broke in to fit the boots. And it only took 4 weeks of having my walking speed reduced to that of an arthritic penguin. With all the snow and ice, i probably looked like one too. I don't get the whole concept of safety boots to begin with, if a container trucks runs over my feet, i'm pretty sure the first words out of my mouth aren't going to be "Its okay boys! We can thank god my toes are okay!". Go figure. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
1:23 pm	Let it Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow.... Ah, Snow... all i can say is wow or maybe a girlish shriek followed by profanity and the "I've got a squirrel in my clothing and he's not happy about it dance" when a large clump of snow decided to fall off a tree and bulls-eye my head and consequently went down the back of my shirt and jacket. So, living in Vancouver one expects to get a bit of snow here and there, usually in late January, and not even that much, maybe a light dusting. You know the kind, something that makes everything look pretty and white, before it turns to a browny slush that soaks through ones shoes and boots and raises the risk of toe loss. Its been snowing off and one since like, oh, last week? And its sticking around. Doesn't snow know this is Vancouver and its not supposed to do that? I'm going to write a letter to the complaint department. At least as soon as I find out who to address it too. Actually, the snow I don't mind so much. Its that Arctic outflow thats brutal. Lucky me got to work during it too, and that required being outside on occasion. Let me enlighten you as to a little fact about steel toe boots that isn't advertised. While they do keep ones feet relatively safe from, oh, a dropped book, or maybe a heavy thermos, they have another quality that oddly enough wasn't mentioned anywhere on the little tags when i bought them. They should mention that they transfer the surrounding cold remarkably well to your toes. I've not lost any yet, but last week when it was -12, I was wishing i couldn't feel them anymore. And yes, i had multiple layers of socks on. On the plus side, with the biting cold, i couldn't feel the blister the size of the Rock of Gibraltar that's taken up residence on my foot. Another thing comes to mind with this cold spell. At what temperature does metal have to be for your exposed skin to actually stick to it? And I'm not talking the age old tradition of sticking ones tongue up to a metal pole, you know you've done it, don't lie! What I'm talking about is relatively dry skin touching metal. I've grabbed a few doorknobs at work and i seriously though I'd end up like Kevin Spacey in Seven, mind you, he cut off his own finger prints, in my case, it'd of been strictly accidental. Although with no prints, hello crime spree! I bet i could get workers comp if I lost my fingerprints, maybe even some extra, I'll say its causing undue mental stress because now I'm tempted by a life of crime or something. Anyways, Arctic Air should stay in the arctic is all I'm saying. And to any easterners* who are thinking of making fun of me complaining about the cold, I will track you down, and i will end you. If I can figure out how to do it, I'm going attach pictures of my neighbourhood that i took this morning on my trek to the mall to purchase thermal underwear and heavy wool socks. What else what else.. hmm... Oh yeah! I have a neat set schedule now! 4 on, 4 off, 3 on 3 off... its sweet, i'm off Saturday night and go back to work either Wednesday or Thursday depending on weather its my short week, hurray for 12 hour shifts. Hmmm... OH! You know those Pepsi Commercials? You know the ones, where the interviewer is asking the interviewee, aside from Pepsi, anything else you'd like back? Well, the one where the guy wants Recess back kicks my ass on so many levels. Elementary School had it right, recess, nap time... good times good times. Oh, this snow that's falling now is better than the stuff from earlier this week, its perfect packing snow. I made a snowball on my way to the mall and it compacted perfectly, I was itching to nail some poor sap in the back of the head, but everyone was out of range, and the one person who walking down the sidewalk and just about in rnage saw me looking around and promptly crossed the street. I guess I had that "Looking for a target" vibe, as I hefted my snowball. That does kind of irritate me though, i mean, where's the trust! Sure, i might of beaned him, but he doesn't know me, he should of given me the benefit of the doubt. douche... I still want to see how the snowballs throw. There is snow on my balcony, i wonder how that would alter the ballistic trajectory of a throwing snowball being 4 floors up. I'll have to check that out. My roommate Keith should be home in a few hours. * Easterners - Anyone who resides East of Chilliwack (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
2:45 am	Because I'm Up late! 1.Your SPY name (middle name and current street name): Jeremy Erickson 2. Your MOVIE STAR name (grandfather on your Dad's side and your favorite candy): Percy (short for Percival I think) and another question, is peanut buttercups one name or two? 3. Your RAP name (first initial of first name and first three or four letters of your last name): A-Garn 4. Your GAMER TAG (a favorite color, a favorite animal): Blue Bassethound? 5. Your SOAP OPERA name (middle name, and city you were born in): Jeremy Sault Ste. Marie 6. Your STAR WARS name (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother's maiden name, first three letters of your pet's name): Garskowil (last pet) 7. Your JEDI name (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards): Ymerej Oksaurj 8. Your SUPERHERO name: ("The", your favorite color and the automobile your Dad drives): The Blue Camry or Corolla... my bad! 9. Your ACTION HERO name (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate): Hmmm.... that'd be Cloverfield.... and i at hot dogs... oh dear god... Robert Hotdog. That's so awesome! Thanks for playing! (Comment on this)
Monday, December 1st, 2008
11:37 pm	In Tom we trust! Oh dear god. Not, not oh no, they've made another Tom Cruise Movie, but the actual premise of this this latest release! I can deal with Alien Invasions and "Future Crime" like in Minority report, but really, the story of the July 20th Plot to kill Hitler? Yup, Hollywood has done it. This time Tommy is playing one of the pivotal characters in the plot, as Oberst Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, the man who actually delivered the briefcase bomb that just missed killing dear ol' Adolf. And no! Its not that i object to the killing of Hitler, if there was a contest for "Biggest Douches of the past 2000 years" He'd get my vote for at least somewhere in the top 10. Probably in between Fred Phelps and Ghengis Khan. That'd be a hell of a threesome. Maybe that'll Hitlers Punishment in hell, or will be once Fred gets there, because you know Fred's going to hate that... i imagine Ghengis wouldn't be to keen either. Don't get me wrong, i like movies, I like history and historical movies are pretty choice, Stories from all the eras, Captain and Commander, Troy and all sorts of historical goodness. But casting Cruise as the eye patched Colonel... i don't know... I'll bet you a dollar his german accent is going to suck ass. I wonder whats next for Tom? Oh, maybe they could cast him as like, a young Horatio Nelson... lets see how awesome his english accent is... I suspect a Scientologist plot. Perhaps a box office bomb? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA (Comment on this)
11:27 pm	In Tom we trust! Oh dear god. Not, not oh no, they've made another Tom Cruise Movie, but the actual premise of this this latest release! I can deal with Alien Invasions and "Future Crime" like in Minority report, but really, the story of the July 20th Plot to kill Hitler? Yup, Hollywood has done it. This time Tommy is playing one of the pivotal characters in the plot, as Oberst Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, the man who actually delivered the briefcase bomb that just missed killing dear ol' Adolf. And no! Its not that i object to the killing of Hitler, if there was a contest for "Biggest Douches of the past 2000 years" He'd get my vote for at least somewhere in the top 10. Probably in between Fred Phelps and Ghengis Khan. That'd be a hell of a threesome. Maybe that'll Hitlers Punishment in hell, or will be once Fred gets there, because you know Fred's going to hate that... i imagine Ghengis wouldn't be to keen either. Don't get me wrong, i like movies, I like history and historical movies are pretty choice, Stories from all the eras, Captain and Commander, Troy and all sorts of historical goodness. But casting Cruise as the eye patched Colonel... i don't know... I'll bet you a dollar his german accent is going to suck ass. I wonder whats next for Tom? Oh, maybe they could cast him as like, a young Horatio Nelson... lets see how awesome his english accent is... I suspect a Scientologist plot. Perhaps a box office bomb? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA (Comment on this)